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Monday, January 14, 2013

Wakin' up is hard to do

In Inception, the spinning top was a symbol
alerting the dreamer that he was asleep.
Sunday morning I felt I had achieved some sort of breakthrough. I had a sense of awareness and control that I have not had since before my accident. I was able to mentally plan and act without maintaining a list. I fixed breakfast, cleaned the dishes after breakfast, got myself ready for church, got Audra up, and went to church.

I lost that sense of control sometime during church. I briefly fell asleep during announcements at the end of the service, but I was able to wake myself enough to plan a Sunday meal, and run to the store for a couple of supplies. I started fixing the meal, but sometime during that period, I lost my focus. Consequently, the meal was not ready until mid-afternoon. I ended up taking a short nap after the meal was prepared. I did not regain that sense of awareness. The rest of the day, like today (Monday) I was constantly tired, and feeling as if I was living out a dream. In this mental state, which has become my new "norm," I feel my actions are mostly controlled by habits, and not by conscious thought, as my conscious thought is constantly battling against sleep for focus and control, leaving little mental power to actually use that control.

This morning, (Monday morning) I awoke with
that same sense that something old and familiar
was "awake" that has been asleep most of the
time, but that sense of wakefulness was spent
on the mundane chores of a Monday morning,
getting myself up, getting breakfast for the family,
and helping others on their way to work and

Now, as I type, I'm back to feeling as if I'm
struggling to push through my dream-state
existence to get a few things done. I have made
a list of things to do, and now I must begin
accomplishing them, one at a time. I wish
simple focusing did not demand so much effort.


Nolan, C. (Director) (2010). Inception [Theater]. Available from

Sedaka, N. (Writer-Performer) (2009). 
Wakin' up is hard to do[MP3 Audio]. Retrieved from

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